Cultivating a Skillful Relationship with Change
Change is Constant
You’ve probably heard the saying, “change is the only constant.” If this is true, then what is your relationship with change? The past few years have brought tremendous changes, and many of us faced difficult choices. Change in jobs, cities, relationships, family dynamics, and perhaps even values and life goals. Let’s face it; no matter your relationship with change, it can be scary! So, if the only constant changes, how can we learn to lean into it and, if not embrace it, at least engage with it more skillfully? Individual Therapy in Westchester. NY offered by our therapists at Lotus Psychotherapy can help you learn to embrace changes as they happen.
My Experience With Change
In 2016 I experienced a change in every aspect of my life. I left my job, changed careers, ended a long-term relationship, and moved to a different country. On the one hand, this complete 180-degree flip offered immense freedom and, on the other, intense panic. There was no roadmap, no guidebook, and no turning back. At that moment, I thought I had allowed myself a fresh start and a new life, and, in a way, I had. However, looking back now, I realize that I was running from my problems and disguising them in a costume of spontaneity. While I don't regret my decisions, I wonder what may have happened if I had the tools to engage and respond more skillfully to change rather than act abruptly. Today, when faced with change, I pause and ask myself the following questions.
1. What is my current relationship to change?
Do you find that you avoid change at all costs, or do you thrive in constant flux? This is not to put a label of “good” or “bad” on your relationship, but rather to take an honest look at how you navigate within change and better understand the steps needed to move forward.
2. Where do I feel the change in my body?
Our bodies are incredibly intelligent, and your body may respond to the thought of change long before your logical mind has caught up. Take time to notice subtle sensations in your physical body, such as increased heart rate, lack of energy, sleep disturbances, and tension. These may all be biological responses to stress associated with change.
3. Historically, have my reactions to change been helpful or harmful?
Reflect on past moments in your life when change has occurred. This may have been planned or unplanned. How did you handle the change? If you put it off, what was the outcome of this decision? If you dove into change without a plan, what happened next? Again, this is not to judge your choices but to collect data. “Hmmm, that actually worked out for me,” or “yikes! Perhaps I need to plan more next time.”
Understanding Your Current Relationship With Change
Understanding your current relationship with change is the first step toward developing a more mindful relationship. As an integrative therapist, I often tell my clients, “we don’t know what we don’t know.” Often people can look back on past decisions or how they handled a situation with judgment or shame. What if we could look back through the lens of curiosity instead? “Interesting; I wonder why I reacted that way? What did I learn at that moment?”
Begin Engaging in Change as a Learning Experience
It is not to say that it will magically get easy once you have explored your relationship with change. However, with a clear understanding of your relationship, you can begin engaging with change as a learning experience rather than something to be avoided or get out of the way.
As humans, we are forever evolving and growing. By learning about ourselves, we can strengthen our relationships with ourselves, our choices, and our ability to face the unknown. From this space of awareness, we are then about to engage more skillfully with change and, my hope, the world around us.
Writing Exercise:
One tool I like to use is sitting with Wise Mind (emotional mind and logical mind) before I begin to journal. Find a comfortable seated position and, if it feels safe, let your eyes softly close. As you breathe in, silently say the word “wise” and as you breathe out “mind.” Take a few slow and steady breaths connecting with your Wise Mind and then, when ready, answer each of the questions above. Try your best to let go of any preconceived ideas that you may have about your relationship with change and if you get stuck, pause and allow yourself to begin again as many times as needed.
Nicole is an integrative therapist, yoga educator, and life coach based in Brooklyn, NY.
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